Making Love Last

What makes love last? Why does it fade? How do we decide if our partner is who we need them to be? Unconsciously, we regularly look to them for reassurance and wonder:

• Are you interested in me?
• Are you there for me when I need you?
• Am I special to you?
• Do you love me?

When we feel the answers to these questions are positive we feel safe. If we're unsure, we begin testing - looking for proof. Often we set ourselves up for failure and just end up arguing, which makes us feel less secure and begins a vicious cycle. So how do you stop this and communicate in productive ways that maintain a loving attachment? How do you break the cycle when conflict begins to weaken your connection with each other?

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Maintaining Loving Attachment
Couple’s tend to send our signals or ‘bids’ that indicate they want attention, support or connection. Understanding these ‘bids’ can help you recognise that the argument you thought was over nothing was really your partner testing and listening out for, “Do you care about me?”. It’s quite easy to identify these bids when things are going well, but crucial in challenging times. All too often we miss these bids because we are too busy being right and justifying our position.
Learn to recognise when your partner is making a ‘bid’ to feel closer and more connected to ensure you keep that ‘loving feeling’ in your relationship:

• “Pay attention to What I Say”. I feel valued and loved when you pay attention when I’m talking to you and take an interest in what is interesting to me. You see me in the world and how I experience it.
• “Respond to my  Requests”. When you give importance to what I ask, it makes me feel valued, cared for and important to you. It’s not that you need to agree to what I ask, just acknowledge it’s importance to me.
• “Co-operate with me”. If you see me doing something,  an offer to help means a lot to me. I feel a sense of togetherness when we do tasks together.
• “Show interest and excitement in my accomplishments”. I want to share my joy with you and celebrate with you. Your encouragement is important to me. Please notice what I struggle to achieve . Support and encourage me. Notice what I do well.
• “Chat with me, tell me about your day and ask me about mine”. Tell me the details about what is important to you, what you enjoyed, what excited you, what fears you had, what disappointed you.
• “Tune into my mood and see if we can tune in together in what we want to do”. See if it’s possible to go with my mood/requests and I will in turn be receptive to you. If I want to go out and have fun, see if you can respond. Please don’t automatically put my ideas down.  See if you can get into the mood to engage with me.
• “Emotionally respond to me”. When I’m emotional I feel vulnerable , I want you to be there for me. Please don’t solve my problem, tell me what to do or rationalise because I will hear you telling me that how I feel is not OK. Tell me what you sense I’m  feeling, e.g.”You’re feeling upset about….”, “You don’t know what to do about….”
• “Be Affectionate”.  When you put your arm around me, hug me, kiss me goodbye, hold my hand I feel loved and connected to you. When you initiate love making for the sake of love making, and touching for the sake of touching (without it necessarily being foreplay) I feel loved.
• “Suggest things for us to do together”. I love going on adventures with you. I love it when you take me out of the usual routine. I like that you want to share and do things with me. It makes me feel special to you. I like that you have considered me and thought about what I might enjoy. It’s the intention and effort that counts. I love date nights. Just tell me to be ready and surprise me.

And when there is conflict….

• “Tell me you want to work things through ” – This shows me that you care and you are not abandoning me or avoiding things in a sulk.
• “Ask me about my feelings and opinions and how I see it” – I might be too hurt/emotional to go first or ask you. If you listen out for what meaning I took from what you said rather than arguing the content, we will see that I felt vulnerable and the argument isn’t about the content more about not feeling considered or appreciated.
• “Validate my Feelings” – I’m wanting my feelings validated which means tell me back in detail what I tell you. That way I feel I’m sane, my feelings are Ok and you get why I’m feeling this way. If you say, ’I understand’  without the giving the detail of what you understand and without describing my feelings I’m left choked full of feelings that I can’t let go of.
• “Show me some affection” – Make some kind of physical contact with me. Worse case : Even if I can’t accept right now, I’ll still appreciate the gesture. Best case: It will really help me feel connected to you.
• “Persevere” – When I feel vulnerable it’s hard to trust what you say. Without really be aware of it, I might initially push you away. Please don’t be put off. I’m really saying, ‘go away, but please don’t leave me!’. Listen to the ‘please don’t leave me’. See that I’m just hurt and vulnerable and needing  reassurance.
• “Agree a Time Out Before Leaving” – If things are getting heated and you need a break, just tell me you need a time out and for how long. If you keep to the time and take responsiblity to restart where we left off I won’t feel abandoned.
• “Take Responsibility” – When you own what you did, express regret for how it impacted me and say how you will stop it happening again I feel so safe. For me it’s not about being right or punishing you. The magic words are “ “you are right, I did do …I regret…I realise I hurt you…I’ll do this to stop it happening again.”
• “Re-enforce We-ness” – When you say positive things about ‘us’ together eg.” I’m so glad we are talking this through “. I feel we are together.

The Difference Between Men and Women
Both men and women want intimacy but go about it differently. Typically women need to feel emotional intimacy before being sexually intimate, whereas men  need sexual intimacy in order to be emotionally intimate. It is helpful if both partners are aware of these innate differences and work towards creating a balance. Men need to tune into what their partner needs rather than focusing on feeling rejected, and woman need to see their partners sexual impulse as a bid for connection and guide them on what they need in terms of emotional connection.

What you Can Do

• Listen carefully to what your partner says, remain curious about what’s important to them to feel connected to you.
• When you feel hurt about something or feel disconnected, don’t sit on it. Speak to your partner and work it through rather than allow resentment to build.
• Appreciate your partner when they get it right for you ( meet your bids).
• Remain curious about how different your partner is to you.

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